Some may refer to the toddler stage as the Wild West of parenting and those people are absolutely correct. During this stage of development, children are exploring many new experiences, emotions, rules, and routines. Oftentimes, children will respond with behaviors such as hitting, kicking, biting, yelling or tantrums. Believe it or not, the aforementioned behaviors we see during the toddler years are normal and those difficult behaviors are supposed to be happening. 

Now, just because these behaviors are “normal” doesn’t mean we should retreat to higher ground until the end of the battle. Caregivers are encouraged to foster Social-Emotional Learning within their little one and to help develop the necessary skills our toddlers need to continue to grow to their full potential. You may find these 4 steps helpful in developing your child’s Social-Emotional intelligence. 

Preparation is Key

There is so much we can do as caregivers to build and develop a child’s social-emotional skill set. The first place to start is helping toddlers to identify their emotions; once they understand what is happening in those difficult moments, they can work toward conquering their negative feelings. Children learn to identify their emotions from the world around them: adults, other children, books, TV, even toys. Verbally identifying the emotions of others while your toddler is close by can help them realize that everyone has emotions and that some emotions are positive while others are negative. When reading a book or watching a show together, say to your toddler, “Molly is nervous about her first trip to the library. She looks scared and is crying because she has never gone to the library before.” Make sure to identify the emotion by its name and to discuss any behaviors that may be a result of that person’s current emotional state.

Keep Your Cool 

Unfortunately, no amount of preparation can completely eliminate the undesired behaviors throughout the toddler stage. There are, however, some things you can do, once the behaviors begin, which will help your little one navigate this difficult experience. First, it is important to know that a tantrum is never a good time to try to teach your toddler. Their emotional state is not in a place where they can process new information. You can support your child’s social-emotional health at this time by staying calm yourself. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and emotions, “You are upset because we have to leave the park. You were hoping to play longer and now you are angry that we are leaving.” Spend time controlling your breathing with slow deep breaths in and out. 

In these situations, someone’s behavior is going to influence the other’s. Meaning, you want your child to feel your calmness and begin to let your calm transfer into him. The other option is your child’s frustration and big emotions transfer into you and this typically ends with both parties yelling, screaming, and upset. I say this from experience, I have caught my child’s negative emotions more times than I wish to admit. However, the goal here is social-emotional growth and who better for your child to learn from, in these difficult moments, than you?

Time to Reflect

This is the part where real social-emotional learning happens. It is important to know and understand that behavior is a form of communication. After some time has passed and the situation has subsided, it helps to reflect on exactly what your child was communicating through his behavior. The example earlier was easy, he didn’t want to leave the park and his behavior was telling you he was angry. However, it isn’t always so evident. Sometimes behavior may be a way for a child to communicate that he doesn’t feel he is getting enough of your attention, that he is nervous in a specific situation, or that he is hungry or tired. Once you have a good idea of what your child was communicating through his behavior, you can begin to help develop the social-emotional skills needed to better handle the situation next time– and like it or not, there will be a next time.  

Next, it is important to assess your child’s emotional state prior to engaging in learning with your little one. Once your toddler has returned to a neutral, or positive, emotional state, you can discuss the situation together. “I noticed you were upset when we were leaving the park. It’s hard to leave somewhere when you are having a fun time. You were angry that you had to leave.” Although those simple statements don’t seem like much they go a long way toward helping your child understand exactly what they were feeling. Using the word “notice” is a non-judgemental term to indicate you are there to help. Naming emotions, as you have practiced before, is also helpful in fostering social-emotional growth. In the final statement, you acknowledge that what he was feeling was valid and that you understand why he felt as he did. From there, discuss some techniques your child can use in the future if the same situation arises. “Next time you have to leave when you are not ready, take three deep breaths and blow them out like this…”

Give it Time

Just like any new skill, these steps will take time to master for both you and your child. You may not see the benefits right away but if you stick with it and create this routine with your little one, you will begin to see social-emotional learning and you will notice your child’s skill set developing right before your eyes.

By Hana Damico

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